Yesterday, I was supposed to have a chemotherapy treatment that was postponed due to low blood counts. While some of my red blood counts came up, unfortunately all of my white counts were lower than the previous week. I was told that my body can't handle the dense dosage. Perhaps this will mean that I will only have two more chemotherapy sessions - instead of 6.
The early morning rush that I've come to accept as my weekly chemo morning routine is part of the unpleasantness that goes along with the whole cancer/chemo thing. It's part of the process and you have to make the best of it. I'm okay with rolling with the punches and keeping a shiny happy attitude about it. As of yesterday, I'm completely aggravated and provoked. What's getting me unhinged at the moment isn't even directly related to cancer or chemotherapy. I missed two consecutive treatments without any follow-up in-between. Now I'm in a supposedly dangerous situation that I can't even deal with because there's an unfortunate disconnect between the hospital that provides and decides my care and the health care system that pays for it. While the financial coverage has been excellent and covers my expenses for drugs and chemotherapy 100%, I'm being forced to invest my entire day in chasing down approval for a shot of Neupogen which I supposedly need in order to restore my currently non-existent immune system. In doing so, I've spent needlessly risky time standing on lines in germ-infested clinics and pharmacies full of coughing, sneezing, and spluttering men, women, and children.
During this I've encountered a long list of people trying to help and genuinely working to get the approval and yet 4 hours later... clinics and pharmacies are now closed and I still don't have the approval or the shot. I cannot believe that a patient undergoing chemotherapy with nearly nonexistent resistance to germs is expected to run around like this!
Right now, I question and doubt everything about my treatment and I'm sure that's not a good thing to be doing at this stage and especially not after missing two sessions of chemotherapy in a row. I feel like my shiny, happy persona and image of strength is partially responsible. Sometimes being "strong" gets you un-worried about and overlooked... apparently. Perhaps being bedridden and dying of pneumonia, contracted from my severe neutropenia would get me urgent care and recognition? Only time will tell.
UPDATE: as of 14:30 I have the approval
UPDATE 17:30: Thank u to each and every person who took the time to read, for caring, and taking the time to write. I'm keeping things real. My blog is a very therapeutic outlet for me and I share raw emotions on it. Thank G-d everything has worked out. I never waver in my belief that everything that happens in life is l'tova (for the good). Having said that, I'm a survivor and not a victim. When something happens to me, I'm not a bystander and I take charge. Baruch Hashem this way of life keeps me extremely happy and upbeat and when I'm down... It leads me back to the path of happiness every single time!