Yes my birthday is the 28th... I’m very thankful to make it to another birthday but I won’t be eating cake with this crazy diet.... meh cake isn’t really my thing. I just don’t like being restricted. Every chemo day I’m allowed to eat whatever I want - I usually bring a few small packets of junk food and lately my brother, Eli, has been my “supplier”. I bring my kosher Doritos, instant noodle soup, Cheezits and a few candies from Israel.... I usually eat pizza too.
There’s no cure for cancer. I’ve gone through every possible trial with zilch-results however these doctors in Turkey are able to get patients into remission! That’s huge! I’m praying for that. I can stay alive in a state of remission and we believe that with the Metabolic Theory: I need to starve the cancer which means NO carbohydrates!!! The carbs are like crack-cocaine! They beckon to us in the night when we crave snacks of popcorn, cookies or even just a sandwich.
I was depressed for a while and asking myself why do this to myself?! I was in a daily state of pain; counting down - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... BLAST OFF to Turkey yet again! I began to hate everything that reminded me of the place, the journey, the disruption of my life. But now I have better pain control and I’m able to think about the future more. My kids are growing up quickly... and I want to be here for them! I’ll tell you - it’s short moments that make life worth it for me like yesterday evening....
Hadas, age 11, had gymnastics a few miles away and she’s learned to take the bus. Eden’s school is very close by. Last night, Eden (age 8) had a special class get-together.... and Hadas took her to and from on the bus! When they got home, they showered and came into my room - I’d just put on some boring old movie from who-knows-when and I beckoned to Eden to come into my narrow bed with me: wet hair and all! And that snuggle made me feel so alive! Then Hadas appeared with her wet hair and I peeled back the blankets in the other side of me and called her in to cuddle. It was shortly before their bedtime so it wasn’t for very long... but it was precious SO priceless to me. I know they felt my love - I felt theirs and I will cherish moments like those forever.
It’s countdown time to Turkey! My flight is Tuesday: early in the AM so my trek begins in the middle of the night. Oh, how I dread the same old routine - and as blessed as I am to have my father with me, by my side with every step, it’s so very hard to do! It is for him too and he doesn’t have treatments!
Each time, I get a bit better. Perhaps I’m closer to remission? I don’t know but, I’m more alert and in less pain with each treatment. The more healthy I become, the more difficult it is to be patient. I want my old life back. I pray.
I pray I’ll feel that wet hair of my daughters’ many more times, the cold little toes against mine and the squeezes of their fingers around mine that remind me that they’re feeling me too....