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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again

In July, 2012, I was thrown into a new reality and I dealt with it in the only way that I knew how. I had to find the meaning in it. I was gathered up into spiritual arms and carried for the past 5 months on a cloud of faith, euphoria, love, and desire to be the strongest woman to ever win the fight. I felt heightened feelings of happiness, understanding, and love for many months. I reacted with physical strength and resistance to pain and side effects of poisonous chemotherapy drugs. I thrived on the fight and found meaning where I never thought I'd need to look.

Just over two weeks ago, my magic shattered. It all came crashing down and I haven't been able to breathe the same or smile the same or laugh or accept or inspire.

I spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks trying to analyze and understand what happened. What final straw broke my spirit? I'm surrounded by love and supported by friends and family yet I completely lost my footing with my medical care providers. Lack of communication, lack of interest, and plain bad chemistry has left me completely vulnerable and feeling anger and sadness that I never expected to experience... to the point that my blood is protesting. I haven't been able to recover. I'm stuck yet unwilling to be pulled all the way down.

Maybe it was unrealistic to believe I could conquer all these losses and go through chemotherapy without sinking to an excessive low at some point? Now that I've been home from my reality-vacation for over two weeks, I've decided it's time to leave. If only I had a ticket.


  1. I am so glad to see a post here. I keep checking, wondering how your doing (and your DH didn't respond to my tweet).

    I am so sorry that these last couple of weeks have been so difficult. I wonder if two weeks ago, when you last posted that chemo was a no go for a second time if it could have forced you to come down from your warrior high. Even warriors need time to rest, redraw battle plans, process all they have been through, grieve over the pains and losses of war before they are ready to regroup and face the battle again.
    You are so strong. You will be back when you are ready to be back. I am just heartened to know that you have so much love and support in your life. I have no doubt that this will not change whether you are running a 10k with a shaved head or need time to be left alone with your thoughts and tears.
    Please keeping posting no matter what frame of mind you are in.

    1. Thank you for your caring words of wisdom. There's so much truth in what you wrote. I still feel that I could continue in a healthy happy frame of mind if I felt that I could actually relinquish my need to keep on top of every single minute detail of my treatment which alas is impossible due to mistake after mistake and lack of communication on my case. It's maddening and I'm at the point where I don't want to continue even taking chemotherapy. I feel like I'm better off without it at this point.

  2. I pray that this is a part of your journey that passes soon. But remember this: your friends and family love you no matter what emotions you are living through. We are strong enough for you. Just lean back and let go. We won't let you fall. Sending love and hugs and wishes for a peaceful night.

  3. Hi Erika,
    I totally agree with TIKUN OLAM, this 'hiccup' was a long time coming, and, WAS to be expected. You HAVE been brilliant thus far, you'll be BRILLIANT again SOON.
    Do exactly what someone else suggested, jump up and down, make yourself heard and get whatever you need from the Docs. If that doesn't work, seek alternate Dr's
    We wish you koyach, love and the strength to get back into FIGHTING mode.
    We think of you every day and pray for you D and the children constantly
    Much love from
    Shirley & Michael (Perth)

  4. Hi Erika,
    I hope that you and your lovely family had a Happy Hanukkah. Sorry you are having troubles. We miss you on Cancer Survivors Network ovarian discussion board.
    Best wishes and hugs,

  5. Sending you all the vibes of STRENGTH and SUPPORT and COURAGE that we can vibe at you to support all of those very same things that you posess already! Keeping the tefilla & tehillim pouring on. You can do this. You can win it. You WILL win it. B'siyata D'shmaya: Go, Erika, GO!!!
    Leah S.

  6. Erika, how could ANYONE maintain that positive attitude indefinitely? Sounds totally inevitable and normal to me. Maybe it's time for a cancer support group or a little professional help from people who REALLY get it. Dovening for you every day.

  7. The one constant in my life is the outpouring of love, prayers, and support. I'm so blessed and lucky to have each and every person in my life. I've met the most amazing people on this journey and it's very comforting knowing that no matter what happens... I have that. thank you!