Before I close my eyes for sleep
I pray to God
Sometimes I weep
First, I thank Him for so many reasons
My husband
My children
The changing seasons
Second, I ask Him for many means
Much strength
And safety
A cancer cure please
I don't worry I'll die before I wake
I believe in Him
My soul, He'll take
My fear is mounting and it's painful
Not now
In the future
Gone from my place at the table
A new woman may come to stay
New wife
New mother
Not sure if that's okay
I will keep dancing in my happiness avalanche
Every moment is a blessing
Live, love, #happylanche
At first I feared that posting this might lead to upset however I think it's healthy and normal to express feelings and emotions... even if it's fear or something that seems negative. We all have fears. Expression of even our deepest fears can lead to release and that release eventually leads to enhanced faith and happiness. This is mine. Tonight, as I lay me down to sleep....
Brave soul, truth-teller - we hear you, and your words are precious to us.
ReplyDeleteKeep dancing.
Thanks for posting this. I am also a mom to young children (2 and 6); I was diagnosed with stage IIIc ovarian cancer in 2011. The thought of not being able to raise my own children has weighed very heavy on me; in some ways, enjoying time with them can intensify that fear. One of the ways, though, that I've been able to make some peace with it (though not entirely, never entirely) has been to take some control over choosing the people who will mother them after I am gone. It is not my place to choose a partner for my spouse, but it is my job as their mom to choose those women who I believe can and will mother them and to foster those relationships now. It's a gift that I can give my kids. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I send love and light.
ReplyDeleteI think worrying about upsetting people shouldn't even be on your list of worries... I admire your sincerity.
ReplyDeleteI recently had this thought. Just before Rav Spector, the Rabbi of our shul, left this world, he reassured his family, "I am not leaving you". And I have to say those words ring true. He did not leave his family or his congregation. His presence is felt strongly and it's imprint will ALWAYS be there. I hope and pray the cure will be found soon for your cancer. I know they are making breakthroughs all the time and trying different experimental drugs. However, just addressing your other (hopefully unfound) fear, you will absolutely never leave those whose lives you have touched.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog via LLL friend. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Please don't change "telling it like it is" for you on this journey. This is your blog. These are your feelings and they ring so true. I have to admit, this beautiful poetry post may be my favorite. You stated what many others feel but are afraid to share. You and your family are and will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog via a LLL friend. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Please don't change "telling it like it is" for you on this journey. This is your blog. These are your feelings and they ring so true. I have to admit, this beautiful poetry post may be my favorite. You stated what many others feel but are afraid to share. You and your family are and will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete