Thursday, February 6, 2014

What's the Point?

a barren wasteland
Nobody chooses to have an illness, a disease, and definitely not cancer. Once you have it, you can either let it consume you and become your every waking thought and being.... or.... or.... or.... what?!! Just move on? Deal with it and move on with life, with parent-teacher meetings and laundry, and paying the bills? Making snacks and lunches for the kids, sweeping the crumbs from the breakfast table? I don't know, maybe there are super and amazing people out there who do do it. I'm sure there must be but I'm not one of them.

I have more love and support than could be imagined. My mother moved in with us for weeks at a time; doting on my children and on me.... even when my other family members needed her more, she put my needs first. My friends and neighbors arrange us meals and embrace us with love, acts of kindness, and prayer. Entire evenings of prayer! Multiple entire evenings of prayer FOR ME! People who know me (and people who never met me) recite daily tehillim (psalms) in hope of invoking G-d's mercy and healing on me. My family, in Israel, lift me up and are here for me both physically and emotionally. My family, in America, are incredible sources of love, support, and care. My medical team of doctors and surgeons address every issue, worry, and need. My husband dotes on me. Even our dog, Pepper, follows me from spot to spot and rests her big head in my lap and lets me hug and cuddle her whenever I choose.

But I still have cancer.
It's still here.
No matter how much love and inspiration and kindness we create....
And I've sunken into this quicksand of, what's the point?  I'm planning to enter a whole lot of pain and suffering in my near future whether it be chemo or surgery or not being "allowed" to take HRT anymore... AND with all my faith and love in my heart... I've seen this journey play out for so many others. The pain The suffering. The pain and suffering of so many people, in my life, for one sick me.......? What's the point?! I'm useless to myself and my family in this state. What if I'm just going to suffer and die in a year or two or three or 5. What's the point?

11 comments:

  1. Erika- put up a picture of yourself side-by-side with the picture of the barren wasteland on top of your post. Do they look alike?!
    But you don't have to fight the quicksand. When someone is stuck in quicksand, it definitely is not recommended to start thrashing around. If you recognize that it's quicksand, and share it with other people, you're doing great.

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  2. http://ma-ma-bla-bla.blogspot.co.il/2013/09/love-will-always-win.html

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  3. Dearest Erika, remember what you said last year, your are 100% in. We can not take the journey you will face away but we can surround you with warmth, cheer you on.

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  4. I don't know you. And the decision whether to go through treatment and what it entails or not can only be made by you. But whether it's days weeks months years or decades that you have left, the inspiration and kindness that you create and that other people create in your name LIVES ON and continues to affect other people's lives for the better. It may be a hopeless feeling that you still have cancer despite all that's being done - but if you reframe the goal, from 'getting rid of the cancer' to 'quality of life' - whether quality of life means reading books with your kids, or knowing that your being here has made a difference to other people (incl me reading your posts), then perhaps there is still so much hope and so much success. (I have never had cancer, so I can't know what you're going through, and my words may be meaningless or ill-informed. I have been inspired by many friends who have fought cancer, both those who survived and those who died - I am a better person for the kindness and inspiration that they performed and that was performed in their name.) May G-d grant you a refuah shaleima without suffering.

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  5. My father in law had lung cancer for 6 years before he passed...he spent those 6 years traveling and seeing the world and hanging out with his family as much as possible. He kept a blog about his experiences with lung cancer and all his traveling that I hope to someday share with my daughter: http://jimallen-lungcancerhappens.blogspot.com/

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  6. I have known you for a grand total of like 5 minutes and think you're awesome! You have such a great laugh! And Aussie Dave loves you! HECK, WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. It's all worth it Erika. For just one "normal night" with your kids. One smile from your son. One hug from your daughter. A half an hour in front of the tv with your husband. These, and hundreds of similar reasons more make it worthwhile.

    You're an honorary Aussie, and we Aussies always fight - We don't ever give up.

    And you know how many hundreds, even thousands, of people are with you, every step of the way. And we even believe in miracles.

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  8. Each of these comments are so thoughtful and loving. I could never ignore such words of love. I'm honored and touched to read every word...... Thank you.

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  9. You are not useless to those around you and no you are right that you can't just move on. I am sure you are everything for for your family and your friends. If not for yourself then do it for them and if and when you can't then I am sure they will accept it in love. Be strong, hang in, trust and hope.

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  10. Caught my kindergarten-age daughter chanting this little Adar reminder today: "Amalek! Tistalek! Meha-moach veha-lev!" And it's what we have to chant to those demons, the voices from the other side coming knock us down ... at the most critical hour. It's that point in labor, when the birthing woman gives up "I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!" and then, boom, THAT'S when the baby comes ... You can do it, Erika. You don't have to focus on beating Cancer forever. Just on telling those voices trying to get you down in this moment: "TEESTALEK!" Or, "thank you, not now" ... one negative thought, one moment at a time ... You have been an inspiration to me and so many of us mothers in Israel (and worldwide I see) this long ... You are worth it! Every moment your loved ones have you is worth it! Thank you for your bravery and wisdom and raw honesty. Hashem yevarech otach, yekhazek v'yerapeh otach, bimherah umiyad!

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  11. You are still in my thoughts and prayers Erika, I have missed you on HU..love x Gwyn x

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