|a barren wasteland|
I have more love and support than could be imagined. My mother moved in with us for weeks at a time; doting on my children and on me.... even when my other family members needed her more, she put my needs first. My friends and neighbors arrange us meals and embrace us with love, acts of kindness, and prayer. Entire evenings of prayer! Multiple entire evenings of prayer FOR ME! People who know me (and people who never met me) recite daily tehillim (psalms) in hope of invoking G-d's mercy and healing on me. My family, in Israel, lift me up and are here for me both physically and emotionally. My family, in America, are incredible sources of love, support, and care. My medical team of doctors and surgeons address every issue, worry, and need. My husband dotes on me. Even our dog, Pepper, follows me from spot to spot and rests her big head in my lap and lets me hug and cuddle her whenever I choose.
But I still have cancer.
It's still here.
No matter how much love and inspiration and kindness we create....
And I've sunken into this quicksand of, what's the point? I'm planning to enter a whole lot of pain and suffering in my near future whether it be chemo or surgery or not being "allowed" to take HRT anymore... AND with all my faith and love in my heart... I've seen this journey play out for so many others. The pain The suffering. The pain and suffering of so many people, in my life, for one sick me.......? What's the point?! I'm useless to myself and my family in this state. What if I'm just going to suffer and die in a year or two or three or 5. What's the point?