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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Will I Be Old? (one day baby?)

will I grow old with my beloved?
 What am I thinking right now...? Last time I wrote, I was about 1 week post-op and all I could think about was my wonky eye. I was still on heavy pain killers and embracing the need for a slow yet steady recovery from a pretty big operation. The incision is healed. I still have deep pain (not from the actual cut) and I'm keeping it under control but way down from 4 Percocets to only 1 at night, before bed.

I've prided myself on being strong and healthy my whole life; as a child, rarely missed a day of school for illness. Even when I was in the thick of chemotherapy, nonexistant immune system, I still (thank G-d) managed to avoid fever, infection, and illness. Now I find myself feeling vulnerable and fragile for the very first time in my life. The list isn't short. Emotionally, I know I have active cancerous tumors in my body including my liver. Walking around with (currently untreated) cancer is beginning to FREAK me out! Now, I look strange too... with my wonky right eye. Yesterday, I started getting sick - perhaps it's "just the flu" however it feels like Death's Door (G-d forbid!); blocked sinuses, coughing, dizziness, weakness... If it weren't for the cancer, I'd probably climb into bed, sip some hot tea, and be cured in 7-10 days like all the other millions of people who get the flu in the winter. Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket. Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them....

Not me.

I don't DO sick.

Yes, I'm aware of the irony.

On the way to Terem (walk in emergency room) to have a routine chest X-ray for my surgical follow-up, with my mom driving me, we were rear-ended by a driver who wasn't paying attention. The impact felt like a truck hit us... to me. My mom said it wasn't so horrendous. I can feel it now, close to 2 hours later, deep pain beneath my ribs, on the right side, and lower back. Believe me, this wouldn't have phased me a couple of years ago. Here I go again the blame. The guilt, the pain, the hurt, the shame. The founding fathers of our plane. That's stuck in heavy clouds of rain.

I'm scared.

I'm sooooooo scared. No, not about the flu or the fender bender. I'm scared about my life. A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing....

These are the songs that are haunting me right now... the first one is beautiful and touching yet so very sad - makes me cry just listening to the lyrics. The ballad of a dove. Go with peace and love....

The second one... the chorus just keeps replaying in my head. Since my diagnosis in July, 2012, it's been emotionally difficult for me to see pregnant mommas, newborns, babies.... now I'm so over and beyond that. You know what cuts my heart up today??? Seeing elderly couples together. Just now, in Terem, I watched an elderly man of around late 70's or early 80's with his similarly aged wife. He held her purse for her and got her a cup of water as they waited her turn for ultrasound or X-ray. Will that be me and David someday? Is it possible? One day baby, we'll be old, Oh baby, we'll be old. And think of all the stories that we could have told


  1. Fight this illness Erika. You're feeling low at the moment because your body is trying to heal. Help heal your body. Check your pH (acid/alkaline) level in your body. An acidic pH can occur from, an acid forming diet, emotional stress, toxic overload. Read up on it before dismissing it as not helpful. If you do check your pH level, you will find your level is low, due to the cancer and the URI you may have. Think about this, if a patient is diagnosed as a diabetic what do they have to do? Change their diet. If someone eats a lot of garlic with their meal the night before, it comes out of their pores the next day. If patient goes to the doctor with severe indigestion they will be asked what do you eat? Change your diet. It all comes back to acid/alkaline.

    I've always used integrative (complementary & mainstream) medicines. There is room in the world for both. One of the other things I've been researching these past couple of weeks is the use of cannabinoids for fighting cancer. When I read about the mother in Utah who had the courage to take this step for her child, I had to find out more about this treatment.

    This is what I found from the Medical Research Institute......

    The McAllister lab focuses on the endocannabinoid system and how it controls cell growth and programmed cell death, particularly in aggressive cancers

    I can tell you now, if I get cancer I'm not going to wait for the drug companies to get a synthetic drug for cannabinoids. It takes too long for the completion of the research. Animal trials then human trials, which is stage 1, 2 then 3. Years and years.

    I will say this again, fight this Ericka. Do some research yourself or have David research. What is the harm in looking at different things. You can read about all of this and then it's up to you what you do with this information.

    Computer > internet > research > information. Isn't this why the internet was invented? Whatever you want to know is out there.

  2. Hi there,
    I'm truly touched by your story and wanted you to know you are in my prayers. God will give you strength if you ask him for it. He'll take care of you thru whatever you may go through.

  3. The song "If I die young" is soooooooooo sad.
    I have two sisters with cancer and it tears me apart hearing that song.
    Be strong.
    We are all davening for you.

  4. Thank you for sharing this. You have so many people who love you and are here with you. Lots of love and hugs.