|will I grow old with my beloved?|
I've prided myself on being strong and healthy my whole life; as a child, rarely missed a day of school for illness. Even when I was in the thick of chemotherapy, nonexistant immune system, I still (thank G-d) managed to avoid fever, infection, and illness. Now I find myself feeling vulnerable and fragile for the very first time in my life. The list isn't short. Emotionally, I know I have active cancerous tumors in my body including my liver. Walking around with (currently untreated) cancer is beginning to FREAK me out! Now, I look strange too... with my wonky right eye. Yesterday, I started getting sick - perhaps it's "just the flu" however it feels like Death's Door (G-d forbid!); blocked sinuses, coughing, dizziness, weakness... If it weren't for the cancer, I'd probably climb into bed, sip some hot tea, and be cured in 7-10 days like all the other millions of people who get the flu in the winter. Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket. Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them....
I don't DO sick.
Yes, I'm aware of the irony.
On the way to Terem (walk in emergency room) to have a routine chest X-ray for my surgical follow-up, with my mom driving me, we were rear-ended by a driver who wasn't paying attention. The impact felt like a truck hit us... to me. My mom said it wasn't so horrendous. I can feel it now, close to 2 hours later, deep pain beneath my ribs, on the right side, and lower back. Believe me, this wouldn't have phased me a couple of years ago. Here I go again the blame. The guilt, the pain, the hurt, the shame. The founding fathers of our plane. That's stuck in heavy clouds of rain.
I'm sooooooo scared. No, not about the flu or the fender bender. I'm scared about my life. A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing....
These are the songs that are haunting me right now... the first one is beautiful and touching yet so very sad - makes me cry just listening to the lyrics. The ballad of a dove. Go with peace and love....
The second one... the chorus just keeps replaying in my head. Since my diagnosis in July, 2012, it's been emotionally difficult for me to see pregnant mommas, newborns, babies.... now I'm so over and beyond that. You know what cuts my heart up today??? Seeing elderly couples together. Just now, in Terem, I watched an elderly man of around late 70's or early 80's with his similarly aged wife. He held her purse for her and got her a cup of water as they waited her turn for ultrasound or X-ray. Will that be me and David someday? Is it possible? One day baby, we'll be old, Oh baby, we'll be old. And think of all the stories that we could have told