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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Letting Go

"The Maze, She Breathes" by Jaime Zollars
When it comes to letting go... there's letting go because you choose to and there's letting go because you're forced to. Being forced to let go of something precious feels a lot like a loss, a sacrifice, agony. Then there's the other side of letting go, taking charge, and letting go of things in order to set yourself free; letting go of anger, letting go of sadness. Letting go can either be a process of release, relief, and acceptance or it can be an assault on your very being.

Every person has and will either dance this impassioned dance or endure this painful assault. We all experience tests and each of us has a destiny.

These are not mere words.

I don't know why this happened - two nights ago, I had a feeling. I wanted to pull out an old medical file and look at my first ultrasound scan results from my last pregnancy. Would there be anything there to predict the situation I'm in? In 2009, when I was 10 weeks pregnant with my youngest child, I had a routine ultrasound. In the report, it clearly indicates an abnormal growth on my left ovary. For whatever reason it wasn't discussed with me at the time or afterwards, however, it's glowing proof that something could have been done and wasn't. I'm letting go.

I lost my ovaries and my uterus and with it my fertility and likely a year of my life which will be spent on fighting for health, chemotherapy, and other things. THAT was a powerless loss.  Nothing I could do about it. Any power I had to win that battle was never presented to me. It's sad and even infuriating, yes.

I'm letting go. I choose to dance the impassioned dance! This information has given me power! Cancer gave me a new voice and I'm going to use it to empower, inform, and perhaps even save lives.

Slowly but surely, my new path is unwinding before me... it's astonishing, it's madness, and it's breathtaking. Perhaps the lack of sleep is affecting my brain and abilities? I feel like I'm in a labyrinth and each turn is bringing me closer to something larger and monumental. What next?


  1. Your posts really inspire me Erika. You are really taking this thing by horns and not letting it rule you. Yasher koach and keep fighting the good fight! Lots of love, Deborah

  2. Please give us more on letting go... the "how" of it... for the beginners amongst us...
    I totally love the vision of you stepping and resting meditatively through a labyrinth. Breathe, step. Breathe.

  3. Hi dear mama blah blah - when oh when can we get together? I feel like you're my friend already. Yes, letting go. Know all about that. Difficult but necessary. Think about this though - you may not have been able to carry the baby full-term if you had been diagnosed then. So many of my friends lost their pregnancies along with their hair...
    Mine is back and gorgeous, btw. SOON SOON by you!!
    Love, Orit

  4. Very inspiring and beautifully written. Keep fighting!