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Thursday, September 14, 2017

Shinning Beyond The Darkness

I wonder how many people on earth emotionally and physically define their existence by experiencing their lives as a constant state of chasing and appreciating miracles. 

Right now is a miracle.

It's become routine; receiving devastating results with disastrous potentialities, I fall, I get up. 

I get snagged for some beats; long beats, short beats. 

The longer beats are like a record stylus skipping over rows of grooves. The needle snags in a groove and bounces backwards - repeating the same offensive 2 seconds of track incessantly: 
Game over! 
Game over! 
Game over! 
Game over!
Until somehow God, Himself, comes and lifts the needle from that skipping and recurrence of that 2 seconds of track: Game over! 

Recurrence. Tumors. Cancer.

It's been 5 years and 2 months since my personal miracle sustainer was put on trial. My miracle chasing obsession intensified and here I am today. 

I'm hoping that God will lift that needle. 
I pray He will muffle those 2 seconds of track.

Do you understand why this life is different? 

I delight in one miracle while containing tragic devastation, and simultaneously reaching out to catch the next miracle. 
There's always a thick path of darkness before the shinning can even be detected.
My next miracle wafts directly in my path beyond a thick fog.  
It has a delicate amount of shine beyond the darkness. 

Presumably, we all live from miracle to miracle; a part of quintessential life. I'm not saying that living an ordinary life means taking miracles for granted. 

Not at all. 

Acknowledging and delighting in each incident or phenomenon with full enthusiasm and ferocity would deplete emotional capacity very quickly. Concentrating all senses on complete gratitude for this moment - this breath - this individual heartbeat....

It's inconceivable.

All of this journey I've had to travel, the detours, just everything that's happened... right now I'm just existing by chasing after miracles. It is a full time passion and I guess I'm simply destined to the obligation. It's my motherly responsibility to keep pursuing mercy and magic; unicorns and rainbows - which I know are manifestations of The Almighty and All-knowing.

I'm numb.

It's like the torment diminished my abilities to indulge or savor anything like I used to. Constant faith, ecstasy, and hypnosis all jumbled together are fundamental just to equalize the immeasurable intensity of living with a nonstop memento of wild fear and threats



Those aren't legitimate questions. The answers are indecipherable. Those puzzles are unsolvable, incomprehensible, and padlocked. That chapter isn't yet written or my merciless 2 second track is about to play relentlessly.

Somebody pull the plug.


  1. just love. and tears with you. but mostly love for you.

  2. havent met you. But love for you. How brave and wonderful that you can share this depth

  3. B"H
    And then there are healthy people who die suddenly, hit by a truck, or murdered by a terrorist who never get to say goodbye.
    May Gd keep giving you more miracles.
    Shanah Tovah

  4. Dear Ahava Emunah,

    Shabbat shalom v'shanah tovah.

    Here is a link to a medical blog that may interest you, at least parts of it. Dr. Jason Fung, though a nephrologist - a kidney specialist - thinks outside the box. He looks at diseases like diabetes and cancer because many of his patients present with them, and he wants to do something about that.

    On this page right now is a 5-part series on different ways of looking at causes of cancer and the kinds of disease it could be. Not everything in it will apply to your situation, but I'm hoping something might strike a chord for your next miracle - may it be a lasting one, this time.

    I, too, am a cancer survivor. May you live to see Mashiah with your own eyes, speedily in our days.