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Tuesday, September 5, 2017

My Journey is Still Relevant

I often mention, in my posts, that earth is only part of The Journey.
Life is short - isn't a cliche
I believe we're each here for a reason....

Every word that I write comes from my soul. I mean every word.

This summer, I embarked on a new leg of my Journey. I'd hit the wall. I'd endured two courses of treatment that did nothing beneficial for me. I arrived at The-end-of-the-road. I'd exhausted all of the advanced ovarian cancer treatment protocols and it was basically game-over.

As deeply as I understand that I'm not going to survive Life and we're all going to die, I just don't think I've fulfilled all of my responsibilities on this earth yet. I began searching the world for other, newer treatments for my disease, months before my health insurance company called quits and put me on the "financially undeserving" list. I embarked on my Plan Be even months before my final wasted treatment.

I scoured the planet for a cancer center, clinical trial, or new therapy that could possibly offer me an alternative choice to accepting I'd reached the last chapter; the part where every option for extending life is expired.

I found it.
I'm here and I'm getting treatment.
My medical insurance denies me repeatedly for coverage of these new treatments that I'm receiving on another continent. The good news is that the Ministry Of Health disagrees with them... so there's that.

I have hope because while it could be an effect of recovering from chemotherapy - I feel better than I have in a very long time. I have hope yet it's an agonizing existence living away from my husband and young children. No amount of FaceTime and technology can replace the connection of a cuddle or an embrace. No amount of hope can completely rectify my absence from my children's lives so that I may extend mine.

We don't have guarantees that this treatment will work - so there's always a risk that I'm absent AND not even extending our time together.

One revelation is that my children are not only surviving but thriving without me - so far away; on another continent. Of course my joy and comfort is seeing my babies smiling and living even while lacking my presence. I feel I've helped get them to their steady places. I know that they're special kids who have taken our challenges and lassoed their pain to energize and live with positivity and luster even in a household with some cancer.

I can't help pondering and obsessing with the question: why this and why now? If I've been embraced by miracles so many times, why is this huge detour my chosen path? Why have I been so blessed to survive these 5 years only to be sent so far away from my life and my husband and my children? Maybe this is the answer? To prove to me that when the time comes. I can relax and let go because my children are thriving.....

I don't know why.

This Journey is still happening. I'm alive and confused. I'm scared and I'm hopeful.

Apparently, my adventurous Journey is still relevant and we're ON!


  1. You're amazing and an inspiration to me and your family and all who know you. A fighter beyond words and I pray this treatment works and you get all the precious time with David and the kids that a woman as beautiful inside and out deserves. Xx

  2. I clearly understand you. You and your family are wonderful... truly wonderful. You and David are often in our thoughts and always in our prayers. Love from us...David and Varley... Busselton West Australia.

  3. SO glad to read this and to hear you are feeling better and getting this new treatment! You are so inspiring--as I too am a fighter of this disease. Where are you?

  4. I'm glad to hear from you. I was wondering. Your blog had been silent. Gd willing you'll soon be back with your family and outlive the dire predictions.

  5. re the nausesa ahava,you may want to buy some umeboshi plums, excellent for nausea. you suck on the plum, and pit they are small. you can get them at Erewhon, (do they have a branch in the Valley?) or maybe Whole Foods. any place that has a good macrobiotic section. they work like a charm, that and some weed, preferably smoking it should really help. let us know if you have some relief.

  6. Every Shabbat when I light my candles, I Davenport for my family members and you. Always with you on this journey ❤️

  7. Every Shabbat when I light my candles I daven for my family members and you. Always with you on this journey ❤️