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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

In That Dream

I haven't slept well for quite a few nights and tonight is the same (it's nearly 3 AM). The anticipation of a PET scan and impending results is a special kind of hell. I hesitated about writing any of this at all....

I'm afraid to write anything because the road ahead of me is still long and winding. I stopped living from-chemo-to-chemo.  I found my own way to keep going and enjoy life in spite of an uncertain future. At times, I'm able to put cancer completely aside. This Journey has taught me that I need to let go. I need to embrace love, faith, and happiness. I stopped focusing on, The Fight, and "the killing" of cancer, and also, perhaps especially, I began focusing on the healing.

This afternoon, as David and I trembled with anticipation, my oncologist told us that the results of the PET CT scan are the best we could've hoped for! It shows that the tumors are responding well to the treatment!

It's an enchanted gift wrapped in a daringly fragile bow and I want to grab it and run. It's like being in that dream where you try to speak but you have no voice. You try to run but your body moves in slow motion.  Keeping my eyes on the horizon, I have to jog forward.... completely embraced in love and support and prayers. Miracles happen every single day and this one is mine.


  1. Embraced in love you are, by all who come and read your wonderful blog. By your family and your friends.
    But most of all Ahava, you are embraced from head to toe, and all around you by Hashem's love.
    Hashem bless you and may every minute to minute be good news for you always. Amein.
    with love and hugs.

  2. No way! Such amazing news! We have never met and yet, you just brightened my day and gave me cause to cheer! We'll take the good baby steps ; )

  3. B"H - I've been so afraid to come and read, terrified that if God forbid the news was bad, I'd have no words. I know you have to be cautious but I think you are so correct to look to the horizon, to focus on the healing. May this journey of yours take you only to places filled with love and healing. Thank you for having the courage to write and share your journey with so many. Sending much love and prayers.

  4. That is FANTASTIC news! May the tumor shrinkage continue.

  5. Oh what beauty! So happy to hear this. I'm elated! We all are!!!!!!!!!!

  6. I'm so happy for you!!! Such wonderful news to brighten our day. The healing shall continue!

  7. I wish I knew you beyond this blog, I certainly felt an immediate 'connection' to you! I know we would be good friends! La chaim! (I am not sure this is the correct spelling, but I hope you understand the meaning)!!

  8. I love everything you wrote, but this post is especially beautiful. Keep on healing!!! :-D

  9. Sitting here at my desk at work, at a total loss for words after reading your post! You evoked such amazing feelings!
    Thinking about you and wishing you and your family all the best.
    Thank you for your inspiration, your strength and emuna. I learned (and still learning..) so much from you.

  10. Yippee, Yippee, Yay and Hurray!

  11. It is all about emunah and determination - please Hashem that this is the beginning of only good news from this moment forward
    Love you

  12. Baruch HaShem! I will keep on davening for your complete refuah! Stay positive! Be strong!

  13. Ahava Emunah!
    Heard your beautiful voice just now, on Judy Simon's show. Bless you Ahava, ofcourse i with a host of your friends,family, and strangers like me, who you do not know, expect when we 'strangers' write on your blog, we love and hold you up to Hashem. .
    You give out so much to so many of us here from your blog. You lift many of us, as we hope we do you.
    May Hashem toouch and heal you completely. You are just one in a million brave soul.
    Thanks to Judy Simon for this interview.
    Love you Ahava Emunah. Hugs always.