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Monday, December 16, 2013

Messed Up

I thought that being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer was my worst nightmare but no. THIS is worse. I'm only waking up to my worst nightmare right now. Maybe I was trying to deliver the news painlessly; sugar coat it. Seriously, I'm not THAT important. I might have been too vague because, Ping Pong, is a really idiotic title for a blog post about cancer recurrence... and followed with a cheerful ditty about the rain. Why didn't anybody tell me???

Wake up Erika!!!
Somebody slap me.
Shake me.
Poke me with a needle.
Because... this is no laughing matter!!! I always smile. That's just how my face was made.
On the inside, I'm retching. I'm clawing my eyeballs out. I'm scraping off my own skin.
I'm going out of my mind.

I was supposed to be cured of cancer -  and I believed it with ALL my heart and soul. I kicked cancer! I'm a Survivor. A Warrior.

But no. I didn't beat it. It's still there. I had no idea. No clue. Well, yes I did but no I didn't.

I have cancer. I had cancer and then it was supposedly gone but it was never gone! It was always still there!

I had a very successful surgery but the chemotherapy didn't work. All that poison, feeling sick, baldness, celebration was a bit premature.
The cancer never went away but now it's NOT treatable by "just cutting it out". Now, I need another kind of chemotherapy. This time around, we're going to have to wait and see if the chemo can kill the cancer that I actually have. It's a whole different game.

I'm so frustrated and scared.
It's messed up. Cancer is horrible. I KNOW I should live, live, live for the now because who knows what tomorrow will bring and life is fragile when you least expect it... BUT cancer is a killer and it can kill me. I just don't know what's going to happen and that anxiety and anticipation is one of the worst feelings that I've ever felt.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.  Even if I have to die.
I might die because cancer kills people sometimes....

It's just messed up.


  1. I have no words Erika. I am so sorry. I wish you the greatest of strength. Ad 120.

  2. Erika, you continue to be in my thoughts, and I wish there was more that I could do.

    F*ck cancer.

  3. Take some really deep breaths. You are not done yet. I have been living with constant OVCA for nearly 7 years. I've had three major abdominal surgeries, and other smaller ones. I've been through lots of different types of chemo, but still continue to work and enjoy life. There is time. There is hope. We just need to hang on long enough for there to be a cure or better treatment options.

    My first two gyne-oncs told me that more surgery was not possible. My third and current doctor has performed two surgeries on me since I was told that (including HIPEC). It never hurts to get second, third, fourth or fifth opinions.... Good luck.

  4. May Ha Shem Bless you with all that is good .Erika my thoughts are with you .Iwiil pray fo you.Shalom& many blessings.

  5. Erika dear, it's a big C. i'm sorry.
    i love u.
    i wish i could do something to make it disappear and lost and long forgotten.
    i send a big loving, warm hug.

    liat, lll

  6. Erika, you are such a strong woman and I have faith that you will make it through this time around as well!
    Wishing all the best! :)
    Miriam (Buckman\Goldstein)

  7. I am reading your blog post and damn...I am sorry, ...but also I know you will continue your fight with cancer...and in a few weeks will be stronger to beat it..lets kick this to the kerb...

  8. My mother is battling stage 4 pancreatic and I am sure it is scary for you. Remember that you have people and yourself to live for and Hashem is GREAT. Put your trust and prayers in HIM.

  9. dont know me..i knew your parents 20+ years ago when ee erte neighbors in jerudalem and have not seen them since..
    and I had no idea that you were sick
    I have recently "gotten into" Rebbe Nachman and whereas doctors are shlichim of HKBH..we can never forget that the REAL healer is HKBH...and hopefully with tfilla from your inner of inner..and the tfilot of thosr around you...will open Hashems "heart" to give you the nes of all nissim and give you a total revovery!! Tfilla ve'emunah!!! xxx

    1. I completely remember you guys! You took us to the Dead Sea... And it was my first time ever going! Thank you for your support and prayers!

  10. Dearest Erika,
    Stay positive. I can imagine how hard it must be, it is a horrible illness. Maybe you can write the medical center that you visited in the USA for their opinion.