, Ping Pong, is a really idiotic title for a blog post about cancer recurrence... and followed with a cheerful ditty about the rain. Why didn't anybody tell me???
Wake up Erika!!!
Somebody slap me.
Poke me with a needle.
Because... this is no laughing matter!!! I always smile. That's just how my face was made.
On the inside, I'm retching. I'm clawing my eyeballs out. I'm scraping off my own skin.
I'm going out of my mind.
I was supposed to be cured of cancer - and I believed it with ALL my heart and soul. I kicked cancer! I'm a Survivor. A Warrior.
But no. I didn't beat it. It's still there. I had no idea. No clue. Well, yes I did but no I didn't.
I have cancer. I had cancer and then it was supposedly gone but it was never gone! It was always still there!
I had a very successful surgery but the chemotherapy didn't work. All that poison, feeling sick, baldness, celebration was a bit premature.
The cancer never went away but now it's NOT treatable by "just cutting it out". Now, I need another kind of chemotherapy. This time around, we're going to have to wait and see if the chemo can kill the cancer that I actually have. It's a whole different game.
I'm so frustrated and scared.
It's messed up. Cancer is horrible. I KNOW I should live, live, live for the now because who knows what tomorrow will bring and life is fragile when you least expect it... BUT cancer is a killer and it can kill me. I just don't know what's going to happen and that anxiety and anticipation is one of the worst feelings that I've ever felt.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Even if I have to die.
I might die because cancer kills people sometimes....
It's just messed up.