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Sunday, October 15, 2017

NOT Giving Up Is Painful Too...

It's been FIVE years and 3 months.

My eldest is now 16.
My youngest is now 7.

Our 5 children were aged 11, 9, 6, 4 and 2 when they received my diagnosis in 2012.  MY cancer is their cancer. My kids hardly remember anything different - it's "just normal" in our house.

I don't think my husband has had a restful night of sleep since July 22, 2012. I can only imagine what my cancer has done to my parents and siblings....

I'm disappointed about how my case ended up in Israel; hopeless. Everyone was ready to just give up on my life and let's just put it out there - it's infuriating that my life wasn't worth saving. It's painful to realize that I had to abandon my entire family and my life in order to try to survive.

Everyone gave up on me.

I had to scour the earth to find the ONE team that believed in my survival and still believes.

Some days are lonely. Sick. Nauseating.
Some days are happy. Celebratory. Special.

NOT giving up is also painful. It's expensive. It's terrifying. It has to be a burden to everyone involved. It just is. Sick people and people with cancer - we're not exactly pretty. Cancer is a constant reminder of death and destruction. 

Holding a true space for what it MEANS to BE the one with cancer is many things. It's oppressive and mortifying to be The One with cancer.

It's been 5 years and 3 months and I'm in treatment and there's more to come; maybe a simple CT guided needle biopsy suddenly isn't looking so simple. Will I have major surgery for a 10-20% chance?

Roll the dice.
I'm tired.
Time for bed.

Tomorrow is a new day.


  1. Sending you a huge hug. Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know you - but I am certain that your family is thrilled to have you around just the way you are. You are more than cancer. And while it may feel that when people are saying "hopeless" it means that they don't think your life is worth saving, all they are really saying is - we don't have any more tools. We are limited. And they are probably ashamed of their limit or don't want to acknowledge it and think of it as an absolute. But there is no absolute. And there may be others with the tools. You keep looking, until you find the team that has the right tool for you or until you find the right thing that feels right to you. Not as a fight - but as a part of you loving being alive. I send you so much love and wishes - and I believe in you.

    1. Thank you for your support and encouragement Nitsana!

  2. Gd willing a great miracle and lots of strength and health also to your family.

  3. Ahava Emunah
    just know that there is a cadre of supporters who pray daily and say tehillim for YOU including at the Ohel of the Rebbe and the kevarim of the tzaddikim in Tiveria and will also NOT GIVE UP UNTIL YOU ARE WELL! YOU are a gift to this planet and to those fortunate enough to know you. Your children and husband know how special you are! Keep up the fight - I am certain Hashem is listening. Tract gut zein gut (Think positive it will be positive) as a prior Lubavitch Rebbe said and I believe it strongly
    with love Susan Barth

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  5. Your life is so worth saving, and so many of us are rooting for your and your family, and so glad you are working so hard to not give up! Ahava, I don’t know anyone more beautiful than you- your physical beauty is a delight and inspiration to all those who are having a lazy day and don’t feel like making the effort to look our very best, but it is your inner beauty that you so openly share with the world that shines brighter than any I have known. You have had such an incredible impact on my life, giving me strength and determination so that I greet each day with a smile and with a heart and soul overflowing with gratitude and the fortitude to push through any challenge that confronts, confangles, and tries to wear me down. Always sending you loads of hugs, love, and positivity. ❤️