Sunday, October 15, 2017
NOT Giving Up Is Painful Too...
It's been FIVE years and 3 months.
My eldest is now 16.
My youngest is now 7.
Our 5 children were aged 11, 9, 6, 4 and 2 when they received my diagnosis in 2012. MY cancer is their cancer. My kids hardly remember anything different - it's "just normal" in our house.
I don't think my husband has had a restful night of sleep since July 22, 2012. I can only imagine what my cancer has done to my parents and siblings....
I'm disappointed about how my case ended up in Israel; hopeless. Everyone was ready to just give up on my life and let's just put it out there - it's infuriating that my life wasn't worth saving. It's painful to realize that I had to abandon my entire family and my life in order to try to survive.
Everyone gave up on me.
I had to scour the earth to find the ONE team that believed in my survival and still believes.
Some days are lonely. Sick. Nauseating.
Some days are happy. Celebratory. Special.
NOT giving up is also painful. It's expensive. It's terrifying. It has to be a burden to everyone involved. It just is. Sick people and people with cancer - we're not exactly pretty. Cancer is a constant reminder of death and destruction.
Holding a true space for what it MEANS to BE the one with cancer is many things. It's oppressive and mortifying to be The One with cancer.
It's been 5 years and 3 months and I'm in treatment and there's more to come; maybe a simple CT guided needle biopsy suddenly isn't looking so simple. Will I have major surgery for a 10-20% chance?
Roll the dice.
Time for bed.
Tomorrow is a new day.