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Thursday, April 21, 2016

Back To Black

over 2 liters of relief from my abdomen (actual photo)


I loved her raspy voice from smoking too many cigarettes, and probably doing too much blow. I loved her music before she hit the mainstream radio circuit. She was a seemingly smart girl who could sing the life into a dead tree trunk. Her songs were sometimes dirty and dusty - too old for her youth. Her cancer was addiction and I take one of her hits and make it my own; I keep going back to black. Her back to black was bad and so is mine. Of course, she was Amy Winehouse and I'm me - night vs day. One difference is my black has the ability to kill me into living again. If my poisonous black works, it could possibly give me a year or even two.... time to stall and wait for the next nasty bet.

I've had no time for regret, sore lips licked wet
This is the same old nasty bet 
Me and my head high, and my tears dry 
Get on with my life I try
Chemo takes me back to what we know, so far removed

From all the living I will have to throw

And I tread a troubled track, my life is stalled
I'll go back to bald
I don't want to say goodbye with words
I know I'll die a hundred times 
 It's the same old nasty bet

And I go back to, I go back to sick and bald
I love life so much, it's not enough
Cancer loves death and I love the shore
And life is like a dream
And I'm a tiny pebble rolling against the stream
I never want to say goodbye with words
I will die a hundred times
Life will go on without me 
And I go back to...
We only said goodbye with a glance
I died a hundred times

Life will go on without me
And I go back to...Black, black, black, black,black, black, black,
I go back toI go back to...We only said goodbye with a glance
I died a hundred times
Life will go on without me
And I go back to
We only said goodbye with a glanceI died a hundred times
Life will go on without me
And I go back to bald.... and black

My black isn't a hole - it's mixed with hope. This black is my THIRD time doing chemotherapy. I don't know anyone like me. I've never met a gal who has/d ovarian cancer, that started in her thirties like mine did and is still alive after not one recurrence, but TWO in less than 4 years. She doesn't exist - except for me that I know of. I'm her. It's lonely going back to sick and bald... and black

A few days ago, I had well over 2 bursting liters of malignant fluid drained from my abdomen. On the scale, the next day, I was 12 pounds lighter! It's not the weight (fluid) I lost but the life I gained! I'm like a new person - I can move and I can breathe again!

I'm scared of going back to that horrible place. Chemotherapy. For years people have told me about this chemo drug that they refer to as, The Red Devil. They ask me with a suspended voice, "Did you ever have to DO the Red Devil?!". I thankfully say NO. But now the time has come and I'm doing Carboplatinum along with the famous Devil.... The Red Devil. I'm terrified yet I have hope. 

I recently internalized that hope doesn't mean false expectations for something nobody can promise me. Hope can be any pathway to a better place. A positive place. Hey, I can probably teach a seminar on what hope is! This is a new revelation for me. I once thought that remission meant I was clear of cancer and that was a mistake I won't make again. I will never be clear and clean of the beast that is deathly and nasty enough to take the life-breath out of a human being. I can make each day worth living and I can hope for a better tomorrow.

So, yes, it's back to black.... I'm scheduled to start chemotherapy May 1st.... May Day! May Day! Hope. Love. Faith.

Please keep me in your prayers: Ahava Emunah bat Chava Ehta


18 comments:

  1. Prayers for comfort and for enjoying each moment of every day.

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    1. Thank you Rachel and I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family and friends XO XO AE

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    2. With tears and prayers that on this Passover, your liberation from illness will be complete!

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  2. Hi, I know we've never met but I do want to tell you that I have been following your blog and your journey for a while now - I first read your writings on Hevria and I was blown away, which sounds very active but it actually made me stop and be still and think.

    I frequently check back here to see if you have updated your blog and I am irrationally happy each time you do. I want you to know that you have changed the way I look at the world, for the better, and the way I parent my kids (they all want to have juicy neshamas now) and I am so thankful for you because of that. Sending you a hug and vibes for a calm, peaceful and beautiful Pesach with your family. I truly pray that this season of redemption and freedom really is that for you, in every sense.

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    1. Dear Jennifer thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Your words mean so much to me especially at this time. I'm sure if we met in person we would share a warm hug. I hope you enjoy a wonderful holiday with your beloved family XO XO AE

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    2. I'd like to ditto Jennifer. Ahava Emunah, we have never met, but I feel like you are a part of my family. I follow your story and am sending my blessings of healing to you.

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  3. אהבה אמונה בת חיה איטה , רפואה שלמה ומהירה, אני יתפלל בשבילך, פסח שמח וכשר ❤️שלי

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  4. Please take it and keep fighting - so many people love you - be strong - hugs - your old teacher and friend - Ann xxxx

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  5. Take it and run with the Devil - be strong - we all love you and are fighting for you - your old teacher and friend - big hugs xxx

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  6. Sending you huge hugs and strength! It was a treat to spend the day with you earlier this week. So glad you are rid of all the fluids (-: You are in my mind and thoughts often. xoxoxoxo Deenah

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  7. Wishing you all the best! Praying for you to have the Blessing my mother and aunt had with the Red Devil...28 and 29 years cancer free of grade 2 and 3 invasion breast cancer! My mother is still with us, she is 90! You can do this! Prayers lifted up for you and yours! Debra USA

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  8. Daven for you regularly (friend of Dave's). Hope you're getting to enjoy the seder at home with your family and have a Refuah Shleima b'karov mamash!

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  9. Thanks for the update 👄
    Amy went to my synagogue she was younger but grew up around the corner from me .
    Her father a lovely guy . Always so friendly .
    Funny as she went to the music academy school "the Brits" that originally Paul McCartney opened for talented kids . I won't go into the connections with your post but how interesting .

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    1. Hi Ambrosine! How fascinating that you met (knew?) the great singer! Wow! Sending you love and hugs from across the sea!
      XOXO AE

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  10. Hello, I also have ovarian cancer, I am recurrent stage 4. I was diagnosed in oct 2012 at 48. Since then I have had 2 "remissions" and I am on my 4th line of chemo. I plan on having as much joy on this earth as possible. I am hopeful for another remission. How I love my husband and dear boys. I have 2 sons John (12) and Jake (9). I think I pray for them more than I pray for me! Thank you for your inspiration, I will pray for you also XXOX

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    1. Dear Anna, Thank you for sharing your words of encouragement! I'm glad to hear from you. I am BRCA1+.

      I wish you many many more years of successful treatments - so that you (and I) may merit to be here for the invention of the miraculous cure! Until then.... keep LIVING with it so you may enjoy life, you husband and dear boys! Much love and best wishes to you Anna!
      XOXO

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