Translate into any language

Friday, April 25, 2014

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

"If you had to think of the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, what would it be?" 

"If G-d forbid someone that I loved was sick or hurt or....."

"No, not someone else. YOU. What's the worst thing that could physically, actually happen to you?"

Imagine, G-d forbid, that "thing" is happening.... To you.

It's happening. To me.

A couple of days ago, I cracked. Again. The umpteenth person sent me a text message that said, "How are you feeling?" and I cracked. I broke and I wrote about it here, on this blog.

The response has been very interesting. Mostly loving and understanding. Questions. What is the right thing to ask? Or say? Part of me feels guilty and sad. I could've held back and kept those emotions to myself because some of the feedback shows me that not everyone understands what I was trying to say.  I am not angry about being asked how I'm feeling. When you ask me, how are you feeling, you're showing me that you're  thinking of me. I get it. But, before you ask me or anyone, please think about the question and think about how you would be feeling in that situation. 

Well, what exactly is the situation? The situation is, an advanced, life threatening illness that has already defied treatment. An illness that is getting worse and usually ends in death. I'm publicly trying to defy the odds. I'm trying and succeeding at finding meaning and happiness in the blessings that come with this life threatening cancer. 

Right now, the treatment is killing me quicker than the actual cancer. Yesterday, we went to the hospital, hooked up to fluids, had blood tests and the results show that I have half of the lowest normal white blood cell count. With a level of 0.6 neutrophil count, I appreciate the miracle that I am pretty darn healthy. With a WBC of 2, I'm very lucky to be fever-free and walking around like a regular person. These miracles amaze me. I'm happy that I'm this well! When my doctor told me I cannot receive treatment, I cried. Am I losing this? Am I dying? Is the cancer taking over? What's happening??? The answer, "We don't know". How would you feel about that?

I have a lot of emotions and obviously I don't and shouldn't share them all with the world. I don't write about what I'm feeling or going through on a daily basis. Usually I write when something profound or especially poignant happens in my life or in my heart. 

I think about how I've reacted to illness and death around me. Have I always said and done the right things? No. I've felt uncomfortable and choked on my own heart while yearning to say or do the right things too. I've experienced so much kindness and love from so many people and sometimes I find myself tolerating things that are meant to be kind and loving but are not. If I have the opportunity to share and express a truth that is hurting me then surely that's the correct thing to do? But it hurts. Yes.  I am sorry about the hurt I have caused. I'm happy and blessed if I make a difference in one person's life with my painful truth. Not everything in life feels good all the time. Sometimes the truth hurts.


  1. Chizkiyahu haMelech, facing death, cried out his prayer to Hashem: "I went before You in truth, and with my whole heart, and I did what was right in your eyes!" and Hashem saved him. Hashem cares about TRUTH. Tell it like it is. We love you. Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach!

  2. You know what? This life-threatening disease has made you a BRILLIANT writer. So brilliant that I don't have to ask how you're feeling.

    And when I think of you, I think of your FB profile pic, reveling in happiness, in pure emotion.

    And I think of the name you have chosen for yourself, and I think: This is a beautiful person who loves and has faith and loves faith in general and in specific.

    This is the person I think of when I daven, the essence of a person who shines with special light.

    You are a virtual friend I know I want to meet.

    Keep writing. Keep loving. And keep loving faith.

  3. You , your wisdom and insights, your spirit and love, your fear and your pain were with us every step along the way on our run to Boston Last week. Thank you Ahava , I love you!

  4. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts. I have only read two of your posts so far, but I am loving how your share your truths. Keep at it. You are making a difference.

  5. Your writings bring clarity to a mishmash of thoughts and emotions. Thank you for sharing your insights, they improve lives and help with some of the realities we all must face as living beings.
    We love you Ahava!

  6. Shabbat shalom Ahava. Keep rocking it. And don't worry about hurting others. You're sharing your experience with people who care and asked.

  7. I don't "get"the technicalities of a I don;t know how to get the blog sent to my inbox.
    Please advise..your entries are really an expression of your new name and we are al praying you have the strength to keep writing and smiling
    Davening for you!

  8. I have been keeping you in mind since I first read your article on, and now I just discovered your blog. Know that your whole extended family of klal Yisrael cares about you and thank you for your continual inspiration!

  9. Hi Ahava Emuna,
    Keep smiling. Neutropenia (your WBC=2) is a common side effect. It means the chemo is working, killing fast growing cells. Unfortunately good cells as well as cancer. I am glad you aren't hospitalized because it is easier to stay healthy at home. Put on a mask if you go to crowded places. Take your tumeric please! I am sorry I haven't sent your Purim movies, I just keep forgetting. Call me! I'll send them or come over to put them on your computer.
    Devorah Channah