"If G-d forbid someone that I loved was sick or hurt or....."
"No, not someone else. YOU. What's the worst thing that could physically, actually happen to you?"
Imagine, G-d forbid, that "thing" is happening.... To you.
It's happening. To me.
A couple of days ago, I cracked. Again. The umpteenth person sent me a text message that said, "How are you feeling?" and I cracked. I broke and I wrote about it here, on this blog.
The response has been very interesting. Mostly loving and understanding. Questions. What is the right thing to ask? Or say? Part of me feels guilty and sad. I could've held back and kept those emotions to myself because some of the feedback shows me that not everyone understands what I was trying to say. I am not angry about being asked how I'm feeling. When you ask me, how are you feeling, you're showing me that you're thinking of me. I get it. But, before you ask me or anyone, please think about the question and think about how you would be feeling in that situation.
Well, what exactly is the situation? The situation is, an advanced, life threatening illness that has already defied treatment. An illness that is getting worse and usually ends in death. I'm publicly trying to defy the odds. I'm trying and succeeding at finding meaning and happiness in the blessings that come with this life threatening cancer.
Right now, the treatment is killing me quicker than the actual cancer. Yesterday, we went to the hospital, hooked up to fluids, had blood tests and the results show that I have half of the lowest normal white blood cell count. With a level of 0.6 neutrophil count, I appreciate the miracle that I am pretty darn healthy. With a WBC of 2, I'm very lucky to be fever-free and walking around like a regular person. These miracles amaze me. I'm happy that I'm this well! When my doctor told me I cannot receive treatment, I cried. Am I losing this? Am I dying? Is the cancer taking over? What's happening??? The answer, "We don't know". How would you feel about that?
I have a lot of emotions and obviously I don't and shouldn't share them all with the world. I don't write about what I'm feeling or going through on a daily basis. Usually I write when something profound or especially poignant happens in my life or in my heart.
I think about how I've reacted to illness and death around me. Have I always said and done the right things? No. I've felt uncomfortable and choked on my own heart while yearning to say or do the right things too. I've experienced so much kindness and love from so many people and sometimes I find myself tolerating things that are meant to be kind and loving but are not. If I have the opportunity to share and express a truth that is hurting me then surely that's the correct thing to do? But it hurts. Yes. I am sorry about the hurt I have caused. I'm happy and blessed if I make a difference in one person's life with my painful truth. Not everything in life feels good all the time. Sometimes the truth hurts.