Am I On Or Off?

Haha... time to get back up on the spinning horse

It's been 2 years since I have been on, in, under chemotherapy. Chemo is one of the worst things I've had to go through; twice. I went so far as to swear I'd never do it again. I swore. When will this damned ride stop spinning? I want off.... Ha! That's a defeatist attitude if I ever saw one!

I have cancer. It's the bad kind; the one that usually kills people and not just people - women only. It's name is, Stage IV, Persistent, Recurrent, Metastatic Ovarian Cancer. It's the cancer that's given me a voice that people listen to. 

Remember that blonde character from my favorite children's story? Why do I love her so? She came out with things like: 

“Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

And:

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland 

“Curiouser and curiouser!”...  

Alice got to live even though she almost died a few times, ate some funky shrooms, shrunk, and grew, and got past the Jabberwocky and the Chesire Cat without a flinch.

It's Redline time again. Time to decide which poison to take to try to shrink the cancer. This time accompanied by a tummy full of what's called, ascites (ass-I-tease). Ascites is malignant fluid and I have a belly full of it which has probably been the true reason for the growing "alien" belly I've been blaming on an inscisional hernia, which irks me to no end.

I haven't written in ages because what have I to add? In December, I spontaneously fractured my 3rd rib on the right side - it just snapped for it's own reason. It resnapped in February and has been the cause of a deep hibernation, hospitalization, and just a very low period for me requiring heavy pain med.s and a messed up daily schedule of mostly sleeping.

Now the cancer is spreading and rearing it's ugly monsterhead. I'm imagining something like the ugly Jabberwock... more commonly known as The Jabberwocky.

Chemotherapy or not? I'm supposed to start ASAP and no, I don't want to. I also don't want to die.

I can't feel right. Am I on or off the carousel? Is my head spinning or is it my whole world that's spinning out of control....?!