I'm Fine...

 I should probably be worried that what I'm about to write is going to upset you and leave some people wondering or worried that they said or did the wrong thing. I have no fear. I can't hold back. How am I feeling? I'm surprised at the amount of times per day that I'm asked that question. Seriously? How do you think I'm feeling? Do you really want to know? How long do you have?

I hate myself for feeling low, for wasting a perfect moment on worrying about tomorrow. I feel sad counting down the days to chemotherapy day.  Tomorrow. Again. I don't want to throw away time to cry and wallow. I should have a life.

I wonder if when people see me or think of me, the first thing that comes to mind is, poor her. "How is she really feeling?" I wonder if people think, how sick is she? Is she going to live? Or die? Will it be soon?  As soon as I hear the question, I freeze inside.... "How are you feeling?"

Yes, it's awkward to be that person; the one with cancer. It used to just be annoying but now it's infuriating to listen to the mundane babble about the stupid things that people worry and complain about. Things that waste time and effort. Petty things that feel like being slapped across the face because I only wish I could worry about such nonsense.

I wish I could realistically muse about graduations and Bar Mitzvahs, making weddings and becoming a grandmother someday.

I realize how natural and normal it is to want to ask that question.... It's automatic like, how are you? Only it's not exactly like that. It's how are you feeling.

Still here. 

Still have cancer.
Fill in the blank ________________.

I've been in the middle of a happy carefree activity, almost completely forgotten that I have a life threatening illness, and a text message comes up on my phone: How are you feeling?

BOOM! Smack!

...and I know the intentions are good and pure. I guess when anyone thinks of me these days, they think of cancer and illness. That's sad for them (sadder for me fyi)....

Just the other day, someone said, "You look so healthy! Last time you did chemo, you looked awful, but this time you look great!". People actually say things like that to me. In some ways I appreciate their honesty and it sure beats hearing about the (insert person they know of ) who died of cancer. On the bright side, at least they're not asking me a question that I'm sick of pretending to answer.

I'm so sad now because I know I'll feel worse tomorrow and the next day.  I want to dwell on the happiness and reflect on those weeks I took a break from this dreadful reality of chemo and cancer and dying.

I've been very open about every step of this cancer journey. I have no issue being public. Keeping things real.  Just please stop asking me how I'm feeling. I have nothing new to say.