Anniversaries

In 9 days it will be my end-of-chemo anniversary.

In  47 days it will be my 1 year diagnosis anniversary.

Whenever we realize that a whole year has gone by, we remark at how quickly time flies and it does. As I've said, time flies whether its fun or not. This past year has been filled with all kinds of emotions; happy and sad, and my year has flown by but in some ways it's had to stand still.  Time didn't wait for me, so maybe I was the one standing still.

I think it's natural to count the days... Having something to look forward to like a vacation overseas, or a happy occasion like a birth, a wedding, or of you're an optimistic person, a birthday! 

I no longer count days. I rely completely on calendar apps for that. My iPhone works overtime to keep me on top of carpool schedules with my kids: Hip Hop class, Yoga, piano, ballet, gymnastics, speech therapy, and keeps me on time to all the medical appointments and check ups and tests. 

It's probably pretty clear to anyone who reads Mama Blablah that I'm caught between here and there.

I don't really have spare time or the desire to waste it. I choose happiness! Yes, it's true. When I can, I meet with my friends and family and I make sure to hug and kiss all the people that I love and tell them how much I love them. I spend time in nature. I exercise. I jump up out of bed, early and bright. I feed, water, bathe, and care for my children. I keep up on my errands and chores. I follow up with all the medical appointments and on top of managing and juggling my big fat medical file and prescriptions and all that.

Five months.

I've been finished with chemotherapy for almost the amount of time that I was in treatment. I know I need to give myself time but how did all this time go by and what have I accomplished? That's a rhetorical question. Have I been standing still like in those movie clips where the person stands in one place and they speed up the recorded film...  Sunrise, sunset. You see cars zooming by and people rushing around... Plants growing, clouds speeding across the screen. Am I that frozen person? I don't want to wake up in a few months time and suddenly realize that I have to go back into treatment and oh-my-gawsh.... Too bad I was frozen in space for all those healthy months. (Insert panic. Anxiety attack. Heart palpitations) I know it happens. I have friends.... New friends that I met on my journey who also had ovarian cancer. For many, OC is a chronic disease that comes and goes. Ok, fine, I can deal with that. And there's the breast cancer too that I need to monitor. Hopefully it won't happen but there's this 70% risk factor for breast cancer dangling over my head that's kind of hard to ignore (according to my personal risk factor - calculated by geneticists at SZ). 

I think I need a job.

Maybe it's time to return to the work force... I'm nervous about it. I have a degree in Physical Therapy. I know what I'd really LOVE to be doing is working with people in a helping field, medical, but not sure if that means working in a PT clinic. Something amazing is brewing... I just know it but it's still out there in space. Should I stand here a few more moments? I'm not going to count down to the next anniversary - who knows what that will be?