In July, 2012, I was thrown into a new reality and I dealt with it in the only way that I knew how. I had to find the meaning in it. I was gathered up into spiritual arms and carried for the past 5 months on a cloud of faith, euphoria, love, and desire to be the strongest woman to ever win the fight. I felt heightened feelings of happiness, understanding, and love for many months. I reacted with physical strength and resistance to pain and side effects of poisonous chemotherapy drugs. I thrived on the fight and found meaning where I never thought I'd need to look.
Just over two weeks ago, my magic shattered. It all came crashing down and I haven't been able to breathe the same or smile the same or laugh or accept or inspire.
I spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks trying to analyze and understand what happened. What final straw broke my spirit? I'm surrounded by love and supported by friends and family yet I completely lost my footing with my medical care providers. Lack of communication, lack of interest, and plain bad chemistry has left me completely vulnerable and feeling anger and sadness that I never expected to experience... to the point that my blood is protesting. I haven't been able to recover. I'm stuck yet unwilling to be pulled all the way down.
Maybe it was unrealistic to believe I could conquer all these losses and go through chemotherapy without sinking to an excessive low at some point? Now that I've been home from my reality-vacation for over two weeks, I've decided it's time to leave. If only I had a ticket.