Sunday, August 19, 2012
Many people have approached me in these past few weeks with very personal stories of their own pain, illness, or suffering. When you hear that a young woman is diagnosed with stage 3 cancer it's very shocking. I've been very open and shared my story and in doing this, I've opened a door and put down a welcome mat for many people. I feel like I've been given a gift. Cancer can make you feel alone or betrayed. One might think, how could my body betray me like this or worse… how could G-d?! Up close, in my Life Photograph, my Big Picture, this Cancer diagnosis crisis could have been and still might be many things. For now, I've really zoomed out. I see the cancer as a tall mountain along my path that has to be climbed, as a painful and trying challenge. In my Big Picture I see the peak too and along the way there are also beautiful things, like people I love who care about me, my family, my children, my friends, and community. The jagged cliffs on my mountain are also covered in beauty; flowers, G-ds creations and G-d's miracles. Having this Big Picture in front of me also allows me to see a future, hope, a cure.
My Journey has a lot of unknowns. I'm only at the beginning and gearing up for the battles I may have to fight. Before I go to war, I also need to mourn. Here is where perspective comes in. Every person and their dreams. What am I mourning right now? Well, for one, I'm mourning the loss of my fertility and the loss of ever experiencing childbirth and bringing another child into our family. That is my up close view, when I zoom in… that's what I lost. I must also mourn with my youngest daughter, who is still a nursling. She and I cherish our moments of calm and serenity each day and very soon I will have to deny her that pleasure and peace. Chemotherapy drugs that will make me feel very sick in the short term but perhaps save my life in the long… are far too toxic to risk continuing breastfeeding. That makes me sad. This is a stage and it too will pass in days, weeks, or months, and we will move on.
Stand back, take a picture. Zoom out.