What If? And What Next?

Thanksgiving is tomorrow - in the United States. I was happy and feeling that I had something to look forward to; spending Thanksgiving with my American family, for the first time in over 25 years. Being away from my family in order to receive treatment at UCSanDiego was emotionally very difficult for me and I'm thankful to be back together with my husband and children even though it's not for very happy reasons. 

I'm not receiving cancer treatment now.

I can't be sure if my body held back until I was on home ground or if these things would have happened regardless... like the excruciating pain that got worse and worse until I found myself in emergency surgery again. For a normal person, abdominal surgery is a very big deal. I can't remember being in so much pain in a long time. The incision is about 3 inches and if I had to guess how many stitches... I'd say more than 15. I'm not a fan of painkillers or drugs however sometimes that's the only way to survive.

Days into my recovery, I began to look like I had an advanced pregnancy tummy. My abdomen was filling up with ascites, which is malignant fluid. The pain and pressure was unbearable. I found myself back in the hospital and after draining over 2.7 liters of fluid, I felt much better. Unfortunately that feeling of relief didn't last. Once again I found myself in the ER in terrible pain. Thankfully, it seems that the pain isn't unusual for abdominal surgery and having nearly 3 liters of fluid drained. Everything is a balance between heaven and earth.

Having so much malignant fluid building up is considered bleak for my prognosis. A couple of weeks ago, I had a liver biopsy taken from a new tumor that grew quickly. We're hoping that the genomic sequencing of the tumor will shed insight as to why the immunotherapy wasn't as successful as it appeared it should be. We're hopeful to have results from the DNA and RNA sequencing within a few weeks and possibly new miracles as far a treatment.

I'm thankful for my care and I feel safe in the hands of my oncologist here. I can't help but feel the terror of what if? and what next?

Please continue to pray for miracles....