Over And Out

I received my PET CT results.

I have progression of cancer; new tumors, tumors that worsened, grew larger and stronger, as well as metastasis to my liver.

According to my oncologist: these results aren't catastrophic and I still have time to work out a plan. He estimates that I have around 6 months until this situation may become life threatening and I would be expected to start treatment as a life-saving measure.

When I was in LA, CA over the summer, I researched options with immense effort and help from my family there as well as a dear family friend. I returned to Israel excited that I have options however none of those "options" are responding to my incessant emails and messages. 

I was hoping to get into an immunotherapy clinical trial. In LA they have those where ALL of the patients receive the drug - no placebos.

In Israel there are immunotherapy clinical trials however they're randomized - meaning some patients receive the drug and some receive nothing (a placebo). I will never participate in such a trial again.

I've researched new doctors and old doctors. I've spent hours on the phone, online, and writing emails. I'm exhausted. I've hit the wall and every possible roadblock.

Cancer is a full-time job and I am done working. I'm going on "vacation" from cancer. I'm finished with this part of my journey.

Whatever is already in motion - great, and if something comes of it, great too.

I'm ready to live out my life - however long it is. I want to have the quality of life that a cancer patient can have while not being treated with chemotherapy. Chemotherapy isn't MY answer; it didn't work. A few months of remission isn't enough reason for me to suffer for months of nausea, mouth sores, and other unpleasant side effects. The recovery time after finishing a round of chemotherapy is longer than the actual treatment. Chemotherapy overtakes my life and creates chaos beyond belief for my entire family.

I'm happy and I'm healthy - except for these pesky and persistent cancerous tumors.

I'm happy and I'm also done.  

I'm not wasting anymore time researching and begging doctors to help save me. 

I'm not bitter. I'm not sad. I'm emotionally exhausted and feel like I'm spinning my wheels in the mud and getting nowhere.

I must enjoy what's left and make meaningful memories with my children. I can't enjoy anything as long as I'm sidetracked and constantly on the phone and researching cancer treatments, doctors, and options.

OVER and OUT.... It's time to put my words into action. I'm here for a reason and I don't believe it's to do chemotherapy every year or waste my limited time dwelling on an incurable disease.

I  am  done.

Update: 

I did not quit. I needed a vacation- lights out, pillow over head for a couple of days.

I'm blessed with family and friends and doctors who continue tirelessly to find SOMETHING else to try.....